Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”