@StellaRtwot: Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
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@wesjohnson8: The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, & nobody else thinks they're jokes.
@Mothpete: I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead... but pretty fly.
@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist] No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
@iamspacegirl: ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He's so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them! MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u