Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
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“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.