@vapidaccount: Thanks autocorrect...clearly "I am fantasy" is a better answer than "fantastic" when asked how I'm doing...
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@alrightbob: "Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
@mdob11: Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME!! Him: Ma'am please just take your pizza.
@meat_tornado_: write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead
@kyry5: [Girl's night out] Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME