Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”