Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
goldfish mafia
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
#CoronaOutbreak
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?