Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…