@jackiembouvier: Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ItsAndyRyan: PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"
@CabetoMejia: From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings
@Hey_Sascha: Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
@protolalia: It's sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it'll be another 2-5 years before they're single and ready to hang out again.