@jackiembouvier: Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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@jake_lach: I don't punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people
@SteveKoehler22: A five year old girl is headed to the National Spelling Bee finals. And I just had to use autocorrect to spell "embarrassed" I'm so emb-
@mollzbenn: Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.
@TitansHomer: Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty B: I don't think that's a weakness M: I don't give a shit what you think.