@jackiembouvier: Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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@mrtruthandsoul: My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
@OfficeofSteve: If you forget what it's like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
@perlapell: Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to "your place", take him to Target.
@Easy_Tiger__: I'm playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.