Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”