@jackiembouvier: Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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@TheRolo: Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
@withanewname: "Doc, my boyfriend & I don't wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn't working." "What kind are you using?" "Grape"
@junejuly12: People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times