Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
The news in a nutshell.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?