thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff