Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.