Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
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Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario