Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Yes my dude
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!