Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you