Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.