Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Not today. 😅
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart