@BadaBinge: Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".
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@delusions_of: I wish when someone called me my phone had an "Accept", "Decline" and "Send Electric Shock" option.
@desolateson: I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.
@withanewname: [seaworld] "Hey what happened to the new guy?" -He tried to have sex with the dolphin in tank 6 "But there's a shark in tan.." -BINGO!
@Cpin42: [sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn't waste any time, did you Becky