Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I hope Alan is OK
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”