@sixfootcandy: Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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@JasonLastname: On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
@EndhooS: Cop: can u describe your attacker Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms Cop: u just described a seagull Me: he took my chips
@XplodingUnicorn: My kids lost a Barbie shoe. I dug in the trash and found one. It was from a set they didn't know was missing Now I'm looking for 2 shoes.