Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy