I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Incredible customer service.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Oops
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
it’s finally my moment to shine
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen