“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Feels like the fourth month in January
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
This kinda thing happens to me often
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight