@iwearaonesie: "Thanks for saving my life" said no toddler ever
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@JohnHilsen: Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
@juneohara65: "And to my heirs, I will leave all this...." *gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
@EndhooS: [morgue] mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen cop: the robber yelled "everyone be cool" so he tried to do a kickflip