@iwearaonesie: "Thanks for saving my life" said no toddler ever
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
@david8hughes: Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you? Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
@krisv_723: I'm here to make a donation. Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use... *Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I'd like a receipt. For my taxes.
@david8hughes: [at the drs] Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yeah Dr: with real people Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip