“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”