Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
You Might Also Like
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I was bored.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Velcrow
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.