Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
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Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
the composer
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over