*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning