Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.