Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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calling in to work dehydrated
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Respect
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME