Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’