@bourgeoisalien: Thanks for telling me I'm really funny 'for a girl.' You're really stupid for a human.
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@SteveKoehler22: Our credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it .... The thief is spending less than my wife did.
@legendofchelda: Having a crush is weird bc one minute you're a normal person and then out of nowhere you're like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
@Donna_McCoy: [first date] Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping* Me: *gets up and leaves* (...comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)