Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
You Might Also Like
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
asking santa clause for nudes
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.