Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.