@JohnLyonTweets: Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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@robdelaney: My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
@AlexvanBeek: A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
@JediGigi: Me: [being murdered] Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.