@JohnLyonTweets: Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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@jnrbtsn: He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it's all screaming and shit.
@upsidedowntrash: [Shark Tank] Me: [holding tiny top] It's called Blouses For Mouses™ CEO: The plural of mouse is mice. M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.