Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
When someone says you are so lazy
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do