Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
You Might Also Like
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Has there ever been a more American story?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven