8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
this is the best day of my life