Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot