@RandiLawson: Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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@peteholmes: train me. no. train me. okay. training montage. the big fight. i'm glad you trained me. i'm glad i trained you. #everyboxingmovie
@ruinedpicnic: [Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
@shutupmikeginn: Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall
@BradBroaddus: Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked. So did all the other people at the post office.