Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 馃
Saw your ex at the shops
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
so, what you鈥檙e saying is, if i don鈥檛 eat an apple a day, i鈥檒l meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you鈥檙e so fired
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I鈥檓 not telling them it was store bought.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don鈥檛 like their answer.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.