Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.