@Tbone7219: Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it's a hamburger
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@internetluke: [first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
@GingerHotDish: "You made your bed now lay in it" doesn't really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed. And other 5am thoughts
@CulturedRuffian: INTERVIEWER: What are your skills? BATMAN: I right things. I: What do you write? B: I Right People's Wrongs. I: Oh so you're an editor?
@Kyle_Raney: [hospital] "We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach." "Is that bahahaad?" "Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."