Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.