Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.