whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft