“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
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Note to self: always read the final line
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
All set.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*