“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Real House Wines.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.