“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2