Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I was just discussing this with my cat
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.