Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
dutch so unserious
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like