Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
respect
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.