Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
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Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”