Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Monica just destroyed the internet
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.