Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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Called it
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
This did not end as expected.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Saturday
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.