Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed