Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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as is their right
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Nice try, NASA
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.